Evil

“The world contains evil, and if it didn’t contain evil, we probably wouldn’t need to try to construct religions. No evil, no God, I think… of course, no evil, no war. But this is not a human possibility that we need to entertain. There will always be plenty of evil and there will always be wars because human beings are aggressive animals.”

Sam Hynes

WWII Marine Pilot

In the headlines today:

• 4 Killed in Shooting at Junk Yard
• 6-Year-Old Boy Dies After Being Shot in Left Eye
• Boy Shot While Coming to Dad’s Aid
• Teen Shot by Parent
• Stepfather Guilty in Girl’s Abuse Death
• Prosecutors: Elderly Pair Murdered Homeless Men to Collect $3 Million
• Teen to Face Charges in Father’s Death
• Father of Shot Toddler Arrested, Charged
• Man Threw 1-Year-Old Into Crib
• 15-Year-Old in Critical Condition After Being Shot in Head by 13-Year-Old
• Teen Shot Outside Mall
• Man Dies After Getting Shot in Face
• Father in Caged Kids Case Charged With Domestic Violence
• Teen Shot in Face Fights for Tougher Domestic Violence Laws
• Body of High School Teacher Found
• 17-Year-Old Girl Attacked by Man in Chuck E. Cheese Parking Lot
• Father Charged With Beating 2-Month-Old
• Teacher Finds 15-Year-Old Student’s Hit List
• ...and ironically... Supreme Court Considers Right to Bear Arms - Landmark Case on D.C. Ban Expected to Have Major Ramifications

It’s just another day in paradise.

Change

Change is defined in several ways and has several uses. Those which apply to me include: (a) to make different in some particular way; (b) to make radically different; (c) to give a different position, course, or direction to; (d) to make a shift from one to another; (e) to become different; (f) to pass from one phase to another; (g) to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution…

Definition (f) most suitably describes what is very likely the seed of my fear – no, terror – right now. There are few instances of major change in my life. Sure, there were moves as a military/contractor brat. But that wasn’t enough to really alter my life. The experiences shaped me, helped me further develop my social and adaptive skills. But the major changes I can say left a serious impact on my life are few: (1) leaving Colorado (and school and work) at 19 to move to the east coast with the love of my life; (2) marrying the love of my life just shy of turning 20; (3) the pivotal phone call that brought my marriage to an end just over 5 years later; (4) the move to Iraq shortly thereafter. And now, almost 43 months into my Iraq stint, I am facing yet another major life change. In August, after 4 full years in Iraq, I am moving back to Colorado to attend college full time. I can’t help but wonder if this upcoming change would be nearly as terrifying had I stuck to my original plan of 1 year in Iraq. It surely would have been milder, merely an extension of the change initiated by moving to Iraq in the first place. But now, because this place has become such a part of me for so long – the job, the people, the weather, the daily chaos I allow to frustrate me – I am embarking on one of the most terrifying changes of my life. I am more afraid now than I was when I decided to move to Iraq. There must be something wrong with me.

And just when I want nothing more than to step into a bubble and follow this course I’ve set for myself, allowing nothing to hinder my path, I find that people want to be a part of my life. I have always been a complete introvert and a fairly selfish individual, but am more introverted and selfish now than ever before. People who obviously care about me and my wellbeing are asking, even begging, to be a part of my life. And all I can think is: don’t they know how terrible I am, how selfish and inconsiderate and self-centered I am? I can put my best attitude forward when I have to, but in general, this is me – selfish, unwavering, typically uncompromising, overly image-conscious, bullheaded… Will I have allowed my protective wall to crumble slightly by the time their jaded idea of me fades away? What about my plans, goals, desires? Will I have compromised some of those by the time their jaded idea of me fades away? And then what…?

I think I may have figured it out...

I have been in a funk for several weeks now. It’s not work (which is the typical cause), but something else this time. I sat awake for hours last night, staring at the ceiling and listening to Violin Sonata in F Major, and I realized something...

I have not reached closure.

Merriam-Webster defines closure as (amongst other things): an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality [victims needing closure]; something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense...

I’ve been experiencing what I’ve coined dreamemories for a while now. They’re dreams, but they’re also memories. They are vivid, colorful, real, filled with all the senses, tangible… I’m experiencing my life with my ex husband all over again, every night. When they’re not specific memories, they’re dreams of going through the daily motions – walking the dogs, grocery shopping, folding laundry, cooking dinner.

He is invading my sleep state, yet he is not a part of my daily conscious awareness. I haven’t spoken with him or corresponded with him in nearly a year. I thought I reached closure a very long time ago. My divorce has been final for just over 3 years. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my divorce. As I look back at that relationship, I can’t help but wonder if I specifically set myself up for loss because I was dreadfully afraid of commitment and, as it turns out, he was ‘ungettable’ in the end. I realize now that I am still dreadfully afraid of commitment.

I don’t think I can legitimately blame this turmoil on my ex husband. It’s not really fair to assume that his actions caused me so much heartache that I cannot move into a healthy relationship as a result – not yet, anyway. It’s more reasonable to place the responsibility on myself. I am obviously not emotionally available. I am too consumed by my own emotional confusion to share anything with anyone else, to give myself to anyone else. I have always been selfish, and I have always beat my head against brick walls until it bleeds profusely, never quite learning how to halt my patterns of destruction, but this is something different. I am a train wreck and it’s a problem I have to deal with over time.

There’s apparently a magic formula that dictates the time required to ‘heal’ in the wake of divorce. I’m not sure what that time or formula might be. But there may just be something to it. My wedding anniversary is in 2 days. It would have been 9 years.