Change

Change is defined in several ways and has several uses. Those which apply to me include: (a) to make different in some particular way; (b) to make radically different; (c) to give a different position, course, or direction to; (d) to make a shift from one to another; (e) to become different; (f) to pass from one phase to another; (g) to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution…

Definition (f) most suitably describes what is very likely the seed of my fear – no, terror – right now. There are few instances of major change in my life. Sure, there were moves as a military/contractor brat. But that wasn’t enough to really alter my life. The experiences shaped me, helped me further develop my social and adaptive skills. But the major changes I can say left a serious impact on my life are few: (1) leaving Colorado (and school and work) at 19 to move to the east coast with the love of my life; (2) marrying the love of my life just shy of turning 20; (3) the pivotal phone call that brought my marriage to an end just over 5 years later; (4) the move to Iraq shortly thereafter. And now, almost 43 months into my Iraq stint, I am facing yet another major life change. In August, after 4 full years in Iraq, I am moving back to Colorado to attend college full time. I can’t help but wonder if this upcoming change would be nearly as terrifying had I stuck to my original plan of 1 year in Iraq. It surely would have been milder, merely an extension of the change initiated by moving to Iraq in the first place. But now, because this place has become such a part of me for so long – the job, the people, the weather, the daily chaos I allow to frustrate me – I am embarking on one of the most terrifying changes of my life. I am more afraid now than I was when I decided to move to Iraq. There must be something wrong with me.

And just when I want nothing more than to step into a bubble and follow this course I’ve set for myself, allowing nothing to hinder my path, I find that people want to be a part of my life. I have always been a complete introvert and a fairly selfish individual, but am more introverted and selfish now than ever before. People who obviously care about me and my wellbeing are asking, even begging, to be a part of my life. And all I can think is: don’t they know how terrible I am, how selfish and inconsiderate and self-centered I am? I can put my best attitude forward when I have to, but in general, this is me – selfish, unwavering, typically uncompromising, overly image-conscious, bullheaded… Will I have allowed my protective wall to crumble slightly by the time their jaded idea of me fades away? What about my plans, goals, desires? Will I have compromised some of those by the time their jaded idea of me fades away? And then what…?