I think I may have figured it out...

I have been in a funk for several weeks now. It’s not work (which is the typical cause), but something else this time. I sat awake for hours last night, staring at the ceiling and listening to Violin Sonata in F Major, and I realized something...

I have not reached closure.

Merriam-Webster defines closure as (amongst other things): an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality [victims needing closure]; something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense...

I’ve been experiencing what I’ve coined dreamemories for a while now. They’re dreams, but they’re also memories. They are vivid, colorful, real, filled with all the senses, tangible… I’m experiencing my life with my ex husband all over again, every night. When they’re not specific memories, they’re dreams of going through the daily motions – walking the dogs, grocery shopping, folding laundry, cooking dinner.

He is invading my sleep state, yet he is not a part of my daily conscious awareness. I haven’t spoken with him or corresponded with him in nearly a year. I thought I reached closure a very long time ago. My divorce has been final for just over 3 years. I was in a relationship for 2 years after my divorce. As I look back at that relationship, I can’t help but wonder if I specifically set myself up for loss because I was dreadfully afraid of commitment and, as it turns out, he was ‘ungettable’ in the end. I realize now that I am still dreadfully afraid of commitment.

I don’t think I can legitimately blame this turmoil on my ex husband. It’s not really fair to assume that his actions caused me so much heartache that I cannot move into a healthy relationship as a result – not yet, anyway. It’s more reasonable to place the responsibility on myself. I am obviously not emotionally available. I am too consumed by my own emotional confusion to share anything with anyone else, to give myself to anyone else. I have always been selfish, and I have always beat my head against brick walls until it bleeds profusely, never quite learning how to halt my patterns of destruction, but this is something different. I am a train wreck and it’s a problem I have to deal with over time.

There’s apparently a magic formula that dictates the time required to ‘heal’ in the wake of divorce. I’m not sure what that time or formula might be. But there may just be something to it. My wedding anniversary is in 2 days. It would have been 9 years.