Simple Conversation - Big Questions

Word of the Day:
Atrabilious (at-ruh-BIL-yus)
1) given to or marked by melancholy: gloomy
2) ill-natured

I visited the Org Maintenance Shop today with the Site Manager. I chatted with several of the employees. As is typical during these meetings, I was asked how long I've been in Iraq. "Over 32 months," I told the mechanic, casually yet somewhat proud. "Where is home?" he asked. "Row 38," I responded with a chuckle - my standard response. To answer his confused facial expression, I told him that I have no home, I have no car, I have no family. Having grown up military and moving quite a bit over the course of my life, home is where I place my head on the pillow each night.

And I began to ponder...

How sad that I am 28 years old and have no home, no car, no family. At one time, life was blissful. Sure, we had our occasional issues, but life with my husband was everything I ever wanted. Things happen for a reason, I tell myself, and I refuse to harbor any regrets or ill feelings. It has been more than 2 years since we were divorced - 2 years spent entirely in Iraq attempting to rebuild my self, my sanity, my clarity, my world view. Iraq has certainly changed me in the course of these 32 months. Where once, years ago, a heart was visible on my sleeve, it has transformed into a skull and crossbones. I am hardened and rougher around the edges. Certainly, I have maintained a compassionate side, but it is rarely seen of late.

I suppose on one hand this experience has done wonders for my maturity, my self-sufficiency, and my esteem when it comes to my professional capabilities. But will I suffer in the long run for the negative impacts to which I subject myself on a daily basis? Will I suffer for the many intolerances (some quite unreasonable) that I have developed?

I left the shop feeling a bit downtrodden and remote. What am I doing here? Am I addicted to this chaos? Is this what I need to feel alive? Am I so lost (still) that I cannot establish a solid future plan and make steps toward achieving long term concrete goals?

But, as I tell myself over and over again, things happen for a reason. And there is surely a reason for all of this. One day, hopefully in the not-too-distant future, I will perhaps understand once and for all what I am supposed to do from this point forward.

And now I will put my atrabilious countenance to bed, for the chaos is due to resume dark and early tomorrow morning.